Living with my messy sister
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Question: Hi EZ! My younger sister (28) moved in with me and my husband about 6 months ago after she left her boyfriend. We didn’t mind at first however she’s getting messier and messier and doesn’t seem to care. For example, when she gets home from work she’ll toss her jacket and bag on the table or the couch which we then need to move to her room otherwise it would pile up, takes off her shoes and socks and leaves them out in the hallway, leaves her dishes everywhere in the apartment and just doesn’t help with the general cleaning that both me and my husband do.
We all work full time, and it’s starting to bug my husband that she does so little, leaving the both of us to do the rest. He’s asked me to speak with her about it many times, but I don’t want to cause an issue with her… but I feel like it’s creating a lot of frustration for everyone.
What should I do here?
Designated Cleaner
Dear Designated Cleaner,
This is a tough one, because there are a few different issues here. Issue 1 is your sister and issue 2 is your husband. So let’s break it down!
Issue 1 - Your sister
Without knowing the finer details, there are two considerations here. You mention that she left her boyfriend… might be worth having a chat with her if you haven’t as being messy after a breakup could be a sign of anxiety or sadness. I know when I broke up with a very serious boyfriend, I just didn’t care about cleaning. In fact, I was a down-right slob until one of my girlfriends snapped me out of it.
If you don’t think that’s the issue, then we are contending with someone who is just messy in nature and doesn’t either care or realize the impact they are having. If your sister falls into this category then you need to get your shit together, and let her know she needs to contribute more around the home. You and your husband have offered your home to her and she needs to pick up the slack. I mean most of the stuff you mentioned in your letter could be done by a 12 year old, so she has no excuse here.
It doesn’t need to be a hard convo, a few suggestions could be:
“Hey, do you mind moving your things off the table?” - Say this as soon as she puts her stuff down.
“Could you please move your shoes and socks into your room?” - Say this as soon as she starts taking off her shoes.
“Could you do the dishes tonight? I’ve done the cooking” - Say this after dinner.
If these little suggestions don’t change then you need to have a frank convo with her and tell her that she needs to do more around the home. If she continues to be messy and causing issues then it may be time to ask her to find her own place.
I know you said you don’t want to cause an issue with her, but if your husband is flagging this with you (multiple times) then you need to do something about it otherwise you may end up causing issue 2…
Issue 2 - Your husband
It seems like your husband has been very patient here and has asked you to talk to your sister to solve the issue many times. By you not doing anything, it may appear to your husband that you don’t value his feelings or care more about your sister than him, which is probably the frustration you’ve noticed in your home. You and your husband are a team, and you need to work together. He’s asking you to talk to your sister, so that your lives are less impacted by the mess. It shouldn’t be that hard for you to do.
That’s the Hard Truth With EZ
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